


why don't you say what you mean?

by violetstardust



Category: Stumptown (TV)
Genre: F/F, kind of just a descriptive timeline of their relationship, with additional thoughts and feelings thrown into the mix, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25519930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetstardust/pseuds/violetstardust
Summary: A piece of Dex's heart has always belonged to Fiona. She can't quite understand it - how Fee has always made her feel such a whirlwind of emotions, of how she sometimes wishes she could just go on tour with Fiona. Dex wishes it could be that easy. She wishes, at times, that she could've said "yes" and lived the rest of her life on a crowded tour bus with Fiona, because she would've been in love, wouldn't she?
Relationships: Dex Parios/Fiona Finklebocker
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	why don't you say what you mean?

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly haven't properly written anything in like a good six months and i'm too tired to bother proofreading! please excuse my overuse of commas.

It's maybe two in the morning, and Dex is sitting atop a slab of kitchen counter, trying to feel something other than pain with her palms flat down on the coolness of granite. She's been awoken by nightmares, again. It's maybe the fifth night in a row that it's happened, and the second night she's been staying with Fiona.

Speaking of, the aspiring musician is long passed out in the bedroom, tucked under the layers of blanket that Dex had struggled to get out of when she had woken from her dreams. She hadn't woken Fiona; she feels like she needs to be alone, but she also might be slightly embarrassed because Fee had shaken her awake last night, when Dex dreamt of explosions and war.

But Fee emerges in the kitchen anyways, hair mussed up and shirt riding over her stomach as she makes her way over to Dex and hops up onto the counter next to her.

"Hey," she whispers, "you okay?" And it's the closest that Dex has felt that somebody _cares_ about her, after she had gotten back from the war. 

She lets Fiona take her hands and squeeze them softly, but she refuses to look her straight in the eye, "I had a bad dream," she admits, and Fiona shifts closer to her.

"Don't worry, I've got you. Promise."

Dex just _knows_ that there's going to be a song loosely based on this very moment that Fee is going to write, and it's going to be an absolute _banger_ and sell like hell.

Now, she stands barefoot on cold tiles as she stares at Fee. "You want me to come with you?" She can't quite believe her ears— Fiona's going to be going on tour, spending most of her hours on the road, and she wants Dex to accompany her.

"Yeah, it'll be fun. You, me, and the road, what do you say? We could travel the whole fucking world, see _everything,_ go on adventures, Dex," Fiona entails in a dreamy voice, and Dex can't help but to be lured in my the promises, if just for a minute.

She wonders of all that they could do in between Fee's shows and driving around, and she's got to admit that there seems to be some promise in the idea. They could _live_ and experience everything but most of all Dex could be with Fiona. She wouldn't have to lose her. Tour is the opportunity of a lifetime for Fee, so there's no way she could possibly turn it down. But Dex knows that everything has to come to an end, and with distance, their relationship would have to come to an end.

So the idea that Fee wants to save their relationship by omitting and distance between them, by bringing Dex on tour, it makes Dex feel _loved._

What breaks her heart, though, is knowing that going on tour with Fiona and leaving Portland would just simply be _wrong._ She can't keep leaving Ansel with Grey. Grey is just a friend; she can't possibly ask him of so much. No, Ansel _needs_ her. Fiona, on the other hand, can live without her.

"I— I don't know," Dex stammers out, "I was thinking about getting my psychology degree, and I couldn't exactly do that if I left town."

"Oh, come on," Fiona says, edging closer and putting a hand on Dex's shoulder, "tour isn't forever. You can get your degree after it's over." She dios her head down and kisses Dex along the jaw.

Little did they know, tour would last forever for Fiona.

Fiona is gone for three nights before Dex finally hears from her. It's in the form of a phone call, well after midnight, but Dex picks it up rather hopefully anyways.

"Hey," comes Fee's familiar voice from the other end of the line, "I thought you'd be up."

Dex has to laugh. Fee knows her too well, yet Dex never knows what to expect because Fee is a delightful mystery in more ways than one. "I am," she says, sitting up on bed to get her grip on the phone.

"I'm sorry it took so long to call," Fiona says. "Tour is actually crazy busy. You would have loved it."

There's a feeling of regret that bounces back into Dex's heart, and she wonders how things would be different if she had gone. They could've salvaged their relationship, because the both of them know that the phone calls are only going to last maybe another week until they drift away. Dex wishes that she could've gone on tour and maybe sealed a future with Fee, but she knows in her heart that this is the way it has to be, no matter how heart-wracking.

"So, how's getting your degree coming along?" Fiona asks, and Dex has to keep in a snort.

"Um, I've been looking at some classes," she says, and they both know it's not true. There's no way Dex is going to get her degree, not even if she really wanted to, because she's too flat-out broke to pay for her groceries, much less thousand dollar college classes that she'll probably end up dropping anyways.

"Good luck," Fee offers anyway. "I miss you. I wish you were here with me."

Dex swallows. She wishes she was there, too. She had a real relationship with a woman that she might have seriously fallen in love with, but of course they couldn't have lasted because of tour.

Maybe it's fate. Maybe Dex was going to fuck things up anyways, so tour had come and separated them before Dex could do something absolutely fucking stupid.

"I miss you too," she says softly.

Fiona has been gone for eight months, and the most that they've recently communicated is through simple "how are you" texts. She's stopped calling, and Dex certainly won't be the one calling. The few times she had tried, months ago, Fee had always been busy. Plus, cell phone plans aren't exactly cheap, and Dex can't afford to waste her minutes.

Dex misses Fiona, that's for sure. She's reminded of Fee through so much. Every time Dex wakes up from her night terrors, there's something missing — the warmth of Fiona's hands holding her tight, her breathy "it's going to be alright" right in Dex's ear. Her comfort and her wildness, mingling together in a faint sense of home. Dex misses the way they would end up getting high together, telling each other things that they had never told anyone else. Waking up tangled together as sunlight streamed in through the open curtains, the promise of a new day and new adventure and new _love._

She's only missed Benny as much as she misses Fiona now.

Dex keeps every day fresh. She sleeps till noon, somehow makes it to her job at the grocery store, works a few hours, sloppily puts something together for dinner, gets drunk, and passes out. It's certainly different from how she had lived while she was with Fiona, but Dex has always known that she's a mess, so maybe she's just embracing it now.

With Fee, she would get up and go exploring spots of the city she had never known before. Fiona would play at bars and they would drink for free, stumble home to Fee's apartment, and wake the next morning to wonder what they would do that day.

Dex misses it. She'll hear a song on the radio, see a poster, see Fee's instagram posts of her living her best life, and Dex will feel a pang of regret. She could've been there with Fee; she could've been living her best life and she could've been in love and happy and carefree.

So when Fee comes back to play a show in Portland, Dex doesn't know what to expect. She's missed Fiona, for sure, but she doesn't know if she should just _show up_ to her concert.

Dex's concern is fixed when Fee calls her herself, inviting Dex to the show and offering a chance to catch up. They end up going back to Fiona's hotel room, of course.

Hours later, after most of the alcohol is worn off, they're talking like they used to. "I miss you," Fee says again, "Life on tour is just weird when you're not there with me."

"Oh, yeah?" Dex turns her head to face Fiona, wondering if she could somehow memorize this moment. Fiona looks as good as ever, maybe even better, and the corner of her eyes crease softly as she gazes at Dex. "Well, life in Portland is weird without you," Dex finally answers, after an eternity of drawing in the moment. She wishes Fee didn't have to ever leave. Dex leans in and kisses her, maybe one last kiss, warm and soft and full of all of the unspoken words that they had both thought but never said aloud.

"I don't want you to go," Dex finally admits, a tear glistening in the corner of her eye. She's appalled at herself for feeling this way, showing vulnerability so blatantly. 

"It's not too late," Fiona says, running her fingers over Dex's knuckles. "You could still come on tour with me."

Stupid fucking tour.

She still can't, Dex knows. Leaving Ansel behind would simply be selfish, no matter how much she wants to chase Fiona around across the world. She wishes her parents hadn’t left; she wishes that she could be light of the responsibilities tying her down in Portland, no matter how much she loves her brother. Ansel is the light of her life, but she’s terrified of leaving him alone no matter how much he says he’ll be okay.

“You know I can’t, Fee,” Dex finally says aloud, turning away from Fiona. She lets her face fall onto puffy hotel pillows, staring at the curtains blowing softly in the breeze of the AC.

Fiona puts a hand on Dex’s arm. "I know, but I _really_ wish you could," she sighs. "Imagine the fun we would have. You _know_ how much fun we would have."

"Yeah," Dex says, but at this point, they both know Dex's decision isn't up for debate, no matter how much both of them wish things could be different.

"Here," Fiona says, turning over to grab something from her bag. It's a Fiona X hat, and she hands it over to Dex.

"Free merch?" The fabric is soft in Dex's hands. "I'll take it."

"Look inside," Fiona says, pointing to the hat. Dex turns it inside out, to find a little inscription. It says, " _You'll always be in my heart. Love, Fee."_

Dex can't help but to smile. It's a bittersweet moment; they know they're parting ways, but they don't know if their paths will ever cross again. The hat is everything to Dex, a little reminder of a piece of her past; a little piece of comfort.

Fiona leaves again, right the next morning. She gives Dex a little kiss on the cheek before going, a little lipstick reminder of her imprint on Dex. Dex awkwardly waves to her in return, beanie snugly over her head.

It’s just a few months later, she realizes that Fiona’s name is rising. She’s well on her way to becoming a household name; her songs play every night at bars and through muddled grocery store speakers throughout the day. Dex is at a convenience store, trying to buy a six-pack of beer, when the robber comes in.

He wants her hat. The one Fiona gave to her, the one inscribed in her name. It’s something Dex would rather not lose— it’s the final memory of who she could have been with Fiona, of what they had together. It’s a reminder of what she’s lost. It’s bittersweet and cherished and a memory that Dex just can’t quite let go of. 

It’s just a hat, but it’s so much more than that to her. The prospect of someone even trying to take it from her releases adrenaline and anger and a thousand different emotions within Dex. She beats the robber up with everything inside of her, takes the beer for free, and heads home.

That night, she texts Fiona. _Hope you’re doing well._

Fiona text back a kissing face emoji, and that’s the last of it.

Fiona X becomes someone everyone’s heard of. She’s a superstar, and everyone wants to go to her concerts and hear the latest gossip behind her. It’s through all of that, Fee becomes a stranger to Dex. Dex reads all of the trashy celebrity gossip; she sees the speculations and the paparazzi photos, and she starts forgetting Fiona. She starts forgetting who Fiona used to be, the crazy adventures they would go on, all of who they were together.

Fiona X becomes the same person to Dex that she is to everyone else. The faintest of memories linger in the back of her head, and every once in a while, she’ll hear Fee on the radio and feel just the slightest bit nostalgic.

Fiona is a superstar. Dex, well, Dex is just on her way to becoming a private eye to try and pay her bills.

It’s why she doesn’t bat an eyelash when she buys tickets to Fiona’s Portland concert, years later. She only slightly remembers her time with Fiona, and she doesn’t think it would make much of a difference anyways, because it’s not like Fiona is going to see her through the throngs of people. She brings the detective with her, too.

Dex doesn’t know if she _likes_ Miles. He can be fun sometimes, but he’s mostly uptight and all he seems to care about is his job. He’s… he’s complicated. She doesn’t mind hanging out with him, so it seems interesting to her to bring him to a concert. Part of her just wants to see how he’d react, the other part is intrigued with seeing Fiona herself.

She doesn’t expect Fiona to make eye contact with her and speak to her directly, much less a song in her name. Dex nearly chokes when it happens, her cheeks flushing with color. The back of her brain echoes with “ _I love you”_ s and a jungle of memories, somehow just unlocked after years of her keeping them boxed away.

Everything resurfaces when Fee hires her.

Dex can’t even _try_ to maintain professional behavior. This is Fiona, after all. They’re friends. They can be just friends; hang out like normal friends do, even if Dex is supposed to be protecting her.

But it’s the feeling of Fiona's hand lingering on her thigh, the breathiness of her voice, the little whine she does when she _wants_ something, that finally breaks Dex. She doesn’t give a shit about professionalism, she just wants everything they have to come back. Dex wants the long nights and the mindless conversations, the adventures at pre-dawn hours and the love. She wants it.

Fiona sings. She plays the piano. It draws Dex closer and closer, until she’s finally just inches away, and then they’re kissing and Dex is letting it happen. She lets Fee cup her face, she lets her take her hand and lead her away to the bedroom. She lets it all happen, and in the end, she’s laying in the bed with Fee and wondering _how the fuck did it all happen again._

A part of Dex will always, _always_ love Fiona. She realizes it as Fiona weaves her fingers through Dex’s hair, softly tugging through the tangles. It’s why Dex would protect Fee without even questioning it, it’s why Dex would push Fiona to an elevator and fight an armed man with nothing but her fists, because how _dare_ he try to hurt Fiona?

On her way out of town, Fiona asks once again. “Tour?” It’s a single word, but they both know of the power it holds within it. Dex smiles longingly and shakes her head, and that’s the last of it. 

Maybe Fiona will return someday, or maybe she’ll go back to Los Angeles or move to New York or leave the country. Maybe she’ll return to Portland someday, maybe not. Maybe their paths will cross again. Maybe Fiona will fall in love with someone who’s not Dex, maybe Dex will fall in love with someone who’s not Fiona. Maybe if circumstances could have been different, Dex could’ve let herself properly fall for Dex.

But Fiona gets onto a plane, headed for some other glamorous city out somewhere in the world, leaving Dex all over again to mourn the small part of her heart that has always belonged to Fiona. 

No matter how much Dex wishes things could somehow be different, maybe they just aren’t meant to be.

**Author's Note:**

> seriously this show provokes Emotions in me like it's scary  
> comments/kudos always appreciated !!


End file.
